I feel down. I can't be bothered doing anything anymore. I just want to give up. I wish I didn't have to even pretend to be holding it together. I was fine for a bit. I think things were looking up, I thought I'd have the energy to study and maybe pass these exams.
Gesa hates me. She said I was self obsessed. I know it's true. It just hurts more when someone else says it. I hate myself so much. I cut tonight. First time in a while. I wish I had some drugs to take that would make me sleep for ages. I'm waiting for a few ebay orders of paracetamol and benadryl.

I feel ashamed of myself; for various reasons. I wish I wasn't here. Life is what you make it. But I don't really have the energy to make it anything. I can't be bothered. I wish I would stop eating. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I'm getting so fat; it's so disgusting.
I want to be allowed to be crazy. I feel like a koala, that all I feel like doing is eating and sleeping. They are allowed to do it, why not me? I want to go to a loony bin and just be locked up and drugged up for the rest of life, except I have to be actively suicidal and persuasive enough to make them think I'd do it. And I wouldn't believe myself unless I actually took something. I feel like I'm getting in trouble when I admit I'm suicidal, or when I say I hate myself, or that I want to die. I feel like I don't really have the right to feel bad. I wish I had more time to talk about all these feelings, maybe I'd work something out then. One hour is really not enough time to talk to the nurse :(
The more time that goes on, the more people think that I'm not going to kill myself. It seems like I have my mother on my right shoulder saying to me, just to annoy me, you're only doing it to cut your nose, spite your face type of thing. If someone would just drug me up, give me the option to be unconscious until things got better, then I wouldn't want to die though.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. These exams are worrying me. I don't want to fail. I don't want to not sit them. I just feel in a panic that I should be studying, and I'm not. I'm sure I could concentrate better on getting better if I didn't have to worry about what I should be doing. I hate exams. I can't blame the exams though. And I don't want people to think that I'm just wimping out of exams by being ill. Grh.

I haven't been able to cry for ages. I need to get pissed. Cutting didn't really help. I felt like I'd punished myself for being selfish, but it didn't really express how I felt like crying. I did drink a bit, but not enough to let me cry yet. I'd nearly cried when talking to the nurse, but managed to hold myself together. I have to survive 8 hours of uni first. I really don't want to do it. I just want to be unconscious. :(

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Classic FM

I'm so exhausted! As always. I want to go back to sleep and just nap for ages. It's almost 2pm; I only got up around midday and hadn't got to bed last night until the early hours sometime. I missed out on going to Jack Sprats for lunch to celebrate a friends birthday. I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I'd set 5 alarms and each time I either slept through or unset it. I feel quite bad for not going :( I really needed my sleep though. I think part of my craving to be unconscious/comatose/dead was that I just want to sleep 24/7, I either want to sleep and can't, or I'm tired from lack of sleep. It's such a pain. It then affects functioning etc which means I'm feeling a bit useless.
Yesterday I got up on time and met up with fellow SKIP members to do some bagpacking in Sainsbury's. I started at 10, and finished at 6pm. I couldn't really be bothered having a break. Time was flying by and I was quite enjoying it. There were a few grumpy people, but it was nice observing lots of normal people; people having a laugh together, and there was a really sweet old lady who put some money in my pot, and then some in my pocket and told me to buy myself a drink or something later, as a treat for giving up my time. How sweet was she? I put the money in the pot anyway, but bless her :-) She reminded me of Louisa; someone who was just made to make other people smile.
My feet absolutely ached like anything :( I soaked them in cold water and that helped a bit. I binged, which made me feel sick. I'm not really sure what made me do so :/ maybe I just predicted my own failure at restricting. I tried throwing up but it didn't work, I think I'd left it too late.
I had quite a nice day yesterday. Sophie had phoned me after we'd texted a few times that day. It was nice to have a chat with her :-)I'm still quite nervous about talking to people on the phone incase I can't understand what they're saying. It was still nice to have someone phoning me who actually wanted to talk to me with no reason to do so.

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Classic FM

I feel so tired. I wish I could sleep. I can't really have a nap. I have an exam this afternoon.
I've just been to see the nurse. Helen had mentioned to my tutor that Louisa had died and she was worried about how it would affect me. She was kind of right. I've been so suicidal recently, technically before I found out about Louisa, but anyway. Louise the nurse was nice today. We chatted about quite a bit and she said nice things about Louisa and I's relationship. I still feel I'd rather just be unconscious than continue living. I'm so exhausted. I could just collapse and sleep forever. I want to be allowed to just waste away. I know I can't unless I'm out of society. Here, I feel I have to keep on going and pretend everythings okay. Isn't that what everyone else is doing?
She made me at least say that I wouldn't be a risk to myself, in terms of overdosing etc... I was a bit hesitant, but she took my word for it that I'd last until Wednesday when I next see her. I don't think the drugs will have arrived by then. She says I should get to A+E if I'm about to do anything. I know I wouldn't ever take myself to A+E.
I'm so tired. I want to just sleep indefinetly...

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Awful opera on classic FM...

Slept most of the day, and of yesterday from around 5pm. Can’t be bothered moving or doing anything. Did have a shower though. Saw the shrink; non-purge bulimia, chronic low self esteem, depression and possibly social anxiety (maybe more so in the past). Seemed to avoid mentioning that I drank quite a lot in 6th year and that I’ve been drinking a bit. I felt she hated me enough already; mum was right, I was just spoilt. I didn’t tell her that I’d been looking at overdosing on anti-histamines. 20-40mg/kg is enough to be toxic; it’s an anti-cholinergic. I should know what that means but I don’t. I think they check to see if you’re on any other sleeping pills etc although I’m not sure about the legalities. Binged again tonight. I miss Louisa. I wish I was dead. I wish I didn’t feel so self conscious about buying pills etc. Everyone is so worried about getting blamed for others deaths; scared of getting sued. I don’t care if people don’t care anymore; I'm not asking them to care, I just wish someone would help me die. I suppose the Samaritans are useful because they can keep you company whilst you do it; they won’t call for help or persuade you otherwise. I don’t want to do it by paracetamol. I hate failing.

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Nobodies fault but mine: Beth Rowley

I ate a healthy breakfast; mashed up bananas and raspberries. I was scared of eating too much but scared of my stomach rumbling from eating too little. I just want to curl up into a ball and hide.
I went with Gesa and Caroline to sign the contract for the flat; more to think about.
I told Jean the art therapist I didn’t really think I needed to talk about the past. I think it's all my fault, someone feeling sorry for me is just going to make me feel like I'm milking it. I still feel sleepy.

I didn’t get much work done; I couldn’t concentrate. I felt shy around friends. I forgot to eat this morning; it had taken all my effort just to get dressed that eating hadn't crossed my mind. My stomach was being really noisy; probably not used to be totally stuffed. It was so embarassing.
I randomly bumped into the mother of a friend from home down the street; I wasn’t very good at conversation but she was being nice so it wasn’t too bad.
I'd been to the doctors. I told him I felt okay, although I don't really feel okay anymore. I don't think the pills are working. Maybe I need a higher dose. I got more sleeping pills. I promised him I wouldn't take too many this time, although I felt that I might. I wish I could. I just know I'd hate myself if I didn't do it properly and take it along with other things. I've been taking one a night now, and it still took a while to get to sleep, but slept all night.

Reading Prozac nation - such beautiful words, she understands how I feel. I can't concentrate on work; so I'm eating. I feel lonely/isolated even when I'm talking to people

Something is missing from my life. I don’t know what it is, or maybe I do, but I know I will never be able to have it, or I am unable to receive it. I feel like I’m addicted to something, but I haven’t found what it is. It’s like heroin, I’ve had a bit of happiness at some point, this wonderful high, and I’m forever trying to fill in that immense joy once again. Although I don’t even know if it is happiness I am searching for. It might not even be love. I don’t know what it is. I’m always searching for this substance that’ll lead me to feeling good. I keep on thinking the more food I eat, the more people I talk to; all this self-destruction; I’ll eventually find whatever it is I am craving, it seems stupid when I’m trying to find something good but instead I’m doing the opposite. I don’t know what it is I crave.
It is weird that I get no pleasure out of things I crave, or that I am never satisfied in all these addictions. I don’t know why I get drawn back to them so much. I don’t see why I can’t be happy, or feel satisfied, and get on with my life without feeling I am missing something huge and I must find it. There is something about certain music, films and books; that I can connect with. I suppose knowing someone feels the same as I do is a comfort. I’m not sure what else I feel pleasure and comfort from that is positive and “normal”. I suppose that’s why the nurse asked me to write down what made me feel good about myself, and praise myself for the good things I do.
I feel differently to what I did a few weeks ago, or I think I do. I think this is much more my normal flatness. My appointment with the nurse was a bit weird. I know she was trying to boost my self-esteem, but I felt like everything was just all my fault. I’m dwelling on what effect my relationships with other people have on the way I am, and the way I am with others. I know not all people are bad. I don’t think I have a particularly weird perception of others. My experiences with my parents maybe do effect how I think of others, but then again I think those I do know well enough have taught me the same too. I’m not being horrible, but as she said, we just use/abuse other people; I use my parents, which can lead me to believe others just use me. Although I wouldn’t like to say bad things about people in general as, of course, they are all wonderful people, it’s just me who is the problem. Everything seems so contradictory, although that’s how life is. You have to treat everyone as if they are wonderful and just protect yourself for when they abandon you or use you or hurt you or forget about you; that makes me seem really self obsessed, that it’s all about me. I feel very self obsessed at the moment, but I suppose you have to think about yourself when... when what? What am I actually trying to do here? What is my problem? It’s frustrating. I know my eating is a problem, but I feel I’m going round in circles; I’m thinking the same things over and over again. I just feel like I’m dysfunctional, and should be taken back to the shop, or destroyed or put down or something; not a helpful thought I know.
I want to be drugged up; I’m not sure why I think it would help; but just having something to focus on.

I need to binge. I need to focus on something. I don’t feel I can concentrate on what I should be doing – studying. If it is just out of lack of interest then technically all my problems should be sorted next year. I’m not so sure; it just means I’m going to be obsessively searching for whatever it is I’m missing; someone to explain what I’m feeling and why, and to find a solution.
I feel so tired. Despite feeling awake not that long ago, after sleeping quite soundly last night. I’m so sick of myself. I’m sick of being a problem. There is no solution to this problem. My existence is the problem. It seems a bit irrational, as surely our existence is what we make it. But what’s the point. My opinion of the purpose of life was that we should do what we can to enjoy it as much as possible without disrupting others from doing the same, and if possible, to add enjoyment to others lives. It all seems a bit futile. Just ticking off boxes in what we do, so we can have someone say at our funeral that it was a purposeful life. What’s wrong with lying in bed doing nothing, if that’s what we want to do? That’s a dilemma in itself. If I’m searching for something that I can’t find, and my life is just ticking boxes, then I might as well not be here. I could serve ours, that would be useful to others, and from a selfish perspective, that might not be that purposeful for me, but at least I’d be making use of my life for good. I think my doing good would have to outweigh my burden on the world in that case.
I want to go out quietly; I don’t want to die painfully. Is that so much to ask? I want to be drugged up so I don’t have to think of anything, and gradually drift out of consciousness.

I do feel like I’m a 2D personality. I used to be just a vegan, and now I’m just a depressive. There is no substance to me. I am boring. I am so bored of being me, but I’m so scared of what else I could be.

Watching My Family which was funny
Speaking to Lucy: feel lonely, and inadequate
Speaking to Helen: miss feeling not lonely; I don’t want her to leave though – I should be feeling something.

I feel alone. People I can talk to, don’t want to listen, or aren’t good at it. Those who will listen, aren’t there at the right time. Those who are there at the right time, aren’t the right people, or don’t want to hear what I want to say; they’re only interested in using me; which I suppose which is what I want to do with people; use them. I don’t like myself for being like this.
Everyone is trying to control me. Yet with freedom I feel like I make so many mistakes, and cannot be trusted to do the right thing. I don’t really mind someone controlling me; as long as they are nice about it. I feel needy. I wish Lucy was here. I like her controlling me. Now she has me caught as I need her so much, and she can control how much of herself she gives to me.
I feel controlled by the course. I will fail if I don’t study. It’s like I’m playing with the controller by teasing them saying I will fail, except it is only me who will suffer if I fail. Everything I do seems to harm myself. I wish I could study. I wish I could concentrate and care about the course; or something; anything, just to feel interested in something other than mental health. That’s what is annoying me at the moment. I am so obsessed with how I feel. I can’t think of anything else. I can’t think of anything that doesn’t relate to me; or how I feel or why my behaviour is the way it is. Even when I’m not actively thinking of it, I don’t know what to think. My life is a distraction from nothingness.
I wish I cared about something; I feel like I've died. I don't know why I want to drink; maybe so I can wake up and not remember what happened. I don’t feel a thing about anything; I don’t really feel anything. I’m not even looking forward to Cambodia; I know I should be. I don’t feel anything about animals/veganism. I don’t feel passionate. I just feel that I can now logically conclude that life is meaningless and stupid and no pleasure exists and one might as well be dead.

I feel I’ve gone back a step. I feel as if Gesa is the new Della. I’ve disrupted her life. It only took a few weeks before she went and told my tutor; she seems to be less tolerant than Della was. I’m feeling frustrated. I think my problem is that I don’t care about anything; which makes me just feel like I’m a spoilt brat. Only reason I don’t want to drop out and curl up in a ball is because of what the parents would say. Which apparently doesn’t matter as it’s my life and I should do what I want with it. So it leaves me feeling confused.
If I was doing something I cared about would it make me feel better? What do I care about? What would make me satisfied? I’m not really sure. At the moment I’m interested in analysing my behaviour and thoughts and how I feel. I feel so self absorbed. I feel embarrassed so could never admit to that. Psychology, mental health and things related are that sort of thing, but I’ve already screwed up my chances at that.
The only people who get pleasure out of being around me are those who are using me; after the initial feeling of I’m doing good; I feel horrible afterwards.

Current Mood: worried

I don’t feel too good. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I was up until around five or six in the morning. So I feel tired, although that’s not what’s bothering me. I feel so numb; and suicidal at the same time; which is a weird combination. I feel like I did when I skydived; like I could just jump out of a plane, even though I was terrified and I knew that this was something to be very afraid of; yet I was able to override what I was thinking, to get myself saying yes when I meant no; and to allow the force to get me out of that plane.

I’m going to Anita’s today. I won’t be able to act on anything whilst I’m there. I just need to get it onto the bus safely.

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Dancing in the Dark - Amy Macdonald